A Little Bit Stronger

I'm usually a zombie in the morning while I get ready, but sometimes I listen to music while I get dressed and put on mascara (the final touch).  My radio in my bedroom is always tuned to 105.1fm, Go Country.  This morning I heard Rascal Flatts' "Winner In A Losing Game," and I got a little sentimental for a moment.  Then I heard Sara Evans' "A Little Bit Stronger," and I totally cried.  This song completely represents what I've been going through since Loren and I broke up.

"A Little Bit Stronger"

Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
But I brushed my teeth anyway,
got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work, and I'm trying to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, Stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it.
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

Doesn't happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by,
And you realize you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.
I'm busy getting stronger.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

Getting along without you baby,
I'm better off without you baby,
How does it feel with out me baby?
I'm getting stronger without you baby.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I'm telling myself I'll be okay,
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

I'm just a little bit stronger.
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

http://www.saraevans.com/

Whoa

My last post was on 1/31/2011.  It's now 3/10/2011.  Where has the time gone?  I have so much to catch y'all up on.  Bullet points?

*I broke up with Loren.  Bottom line, he just doesn't give me what I need and life is too short to settle.
*Work is good.  I have issues with a bullying bitch and my boss is stressed but I also have a good friend working with me now so balance is key.
*I love pregnant women.  There are 10+ preggos in my life right now and I love it.
*Weight.  I need to lose a lot.  More to come on that topic.

I love comments, so share my blog with your friends, post comments, and add me to your semi-regular reading.  I promise to blog more often.

Music!

 Today while shopping for a Nintendo DS charger to replace the one that Peanut (the lost puppy I rescued recently - but that's another blog) chewed up, I bought some music.  I admit that I am somewhat old-fashioned when it comes to music.  I like buying albums instead of single songs.  If vinyl records were more readily available, I might be obsessed with them.  However, I'm obsessed with the next best thing, CDs.  I have an MP3 player (a Sony Walkman), but I rarely buy music online in MP3 format.  I prefer to buy a CD with the complete album of whatever artist I find myself dancing to at the time.  I then rip the music to my home and work computer and proceed to listen to albums for days at a time before I move on to the next one. 

I love music!  I love live music as my favorite genre - and yes, I consider that a genre.  I don't care what type of music it is - if it's live, I'll listen to it and jam out and have a great time.  But my musical collection of albums tends toward rock, country, and alternative.  I have some pop, some trance/electronic, some heavy metal, some random other stuff as well.  But I LOVE rock.  Anything with a guitar, vocals, drum, and bass - it gets to me.  Keyboard or keytar is an added bonus.  Ha!

I really don't know where I'd be without my Sirius satellite radio.  I used to listen to FM radio back in the day, until I bought my Fusion.  Sirius changed my life.  Now I can browse by time period, by genre, listen to talk radio when I choose to, and hear my football game live.  My favorite Sirius stations are as follows: Alt Nation, Hair Nation, 90s on 9, 80s on 8, Prime Country, BPM, Area, The Pulse, NFL Radio, Margaritaville, and Jam On.  A few of my new albums are from artists I heard on Alt Nation.  For you LA natives, Alt Nation is like KROQ without the annoying talk and with more "indy" musicians.

Also, before I reveal the new additions to my lil music family, I must share that I LOVE to sing.  I'm not the best, but I have a loud, strong voice and I love it.  So, of course I enjoy music that I can sing to.

Ok, here are my new albums:

Playlist: The Very Best of Heart by Heart

Kaleidoscope Heart by Sara Bareilles

2011 Grammy Nominees

Sigh No More by Mumford & Sons

Cage The Elephant

Magikal Journey by Tiesto

 I hope you give a listen, and hopefully you find something that you may not have heard otherwise.

Crunchy part 2

Following up to my "crunchy" post, I really believe that natural supplements and holistic medicine is better for me than Westernized pharmaceuticals alone.  That being said, I talked to my boss (Mike, my older brother-from-another-mother), and he gave me some sage advice.  Mike and I are very similar in personality and habits, and he mentioned that how he deals with depression is to supplement his diet with amino acids.  What?  He likes  5-HTP and GABA, one stimulates seratonin production, and the other helps control the firing of neurons inside of the brain.  Of course I read up on both supplements, and the response was amazing. 

I've now been taking both since Friday, 1/21, and I feel a ton better.  I can go to sleep relaxed, and wake up with energy and focus and drive.  I'm still not 100% but I'd say I'm at least 80%. 

Now, the GABA is kicking in and I'm tired.  Update more in the future, I'm sure...

Trending toward crunchy.

I make myself laugh every time I think about this, but I believe I am turning crunchy.  It's a term loosely used to describe what can be considered an alternative way of living, but to me it's back to the basics and uncommon sense.  Urban Dictionary has a few different definitions of crunchy.

I admit, I am all of the following; a rule-follower, a happy employee of corporate America, a sorority girl, a Ford owner, a New Balance wearer, a purchaser of items located on the end of a grocery store aisle, and a perpetual user of Crest white strips (your smile is your nonverbal hello).

However non-crunchy I think all of that stuff makes me, when it comes to my future children and my food, I am becoming increasingly crunchy.  In regard to food, I believe home-grown, local, organic, and raw food is far more delicious and better for me than genetically modified freaky mutant plants that can keep for years.  I'm obsessed with Whole Foods even though my budget prefers that I stay away from that store.  I look at labels more often for whether or not a food has chemicals in it, rather than the carbohydrate content.  But what I'm the crunchiest about are my ideas about babies/children.  I want a doula to aid in my pregnancy and birth experience.  I want a vaginal birth, preferably without drugs, and I would strongly consider going to a birthing center or even having a home birth or water birth.  I'd love to have the ability to push out a baby and plop him/her right onto my belly for some skin to skin bonding and first feeding right away.  I will breastfeed to the best of my ability and for as long as possible.  I really want to use cloth diapers and I'm sure I'll co-sleep at least for a while.  And that's just for the first few years, I can't even begin to think about what to do past babyhood.  I'm not planning on having my own babies for a while, but I'm surrounded by them and I keep reading about all of these theories and real-life situations and I've decided on what I'd like to do when I am blessed with kids. 

A few disclaimers: I fully support and believe in every woman's right to choose how to birth and feed and raise their own child.  And I will fight for what I believe is right for my family when that time comes.  I also understand that complications arise, and I would never put my own wishes above the health of my child (even though I might push the envelope a bit).

The biggest reason I'm leaning toward being a crunchy mom is because of my own mommy.  I remember her stories about the amazing bond she felt with my sister and I when she breastfed.  I am still in awe that my mom was able to have two vaginal births with a relatively easy labor, and I hope I'm as lucky.  I just know that my body was made for this, that it's perfect in this miraculous process, and that it has what it takes to create and provide for another lil human being. 

Who knows what crunchy idea I'll adopt next...

Progress

It's been a weird week, but I'm making progress in dealing with my depression.

I have an appointment with my primary care physician on 2/7.  We'll see where that takes me.  I also have a call in to a therapist that comes highly recommended, and I plan to set up an appointment with her ASAP.  She's local to Pasadena, reasonably priced, and asks the tough questions.  I look forward to downloading my thoughts and frustrations and ideas to someone who doesn't know my story yet, and getting an outside point of view.

I'm hopeful for what's ahead.  :)

I'm coming up

Or at least I would be if I were a sprout! 

That's right folks, I'm growing sprouts.  Let me preface this post with saying that since I was a little girl, I've loved sprouts.  Mostly alfalfa sprouts that my dad would put on his famous lunchtime sandwiches.  As I've grown older I have learned to love bean sprouts as well, and one time while visiting Loren's mom Tessa, I mentioned how much I love sprouts.  Tessa being the sweet green thumb that she is, gave me a sprouting tray and some seeds to try out for myself. 

Let it be noted now that while I love seeing things grow and enjoy fresh veggies and fruit, I am not the most adept gardener/farmer.  I wouldn't go so far as to say that I have a black thumb, but I'm just not that great at it yet.  I over-water, I under-water, I leave my poor heirloom tomato (singular) to defend itself against blasted tomato worms, and I am just a bad plant-parent.  But I have hope with these sprouts.

Step 1 - Soak Seeds

I decided to try alfalfa for the first batch, to get my feet wet and I soaked them for 6.5 hours.

Step 2 - Put Sprouts on Growing Tray

Ok, my sprout seeds are spread and ready for action.  Action meaning they were covered up and left on my kitchen counter to grow.  I'm supposed to rinse them 2-3 times a day (that's watering, but letting the water drain out), and keep them in a moderately warm place away from direct sunshine.

So I know you're wondering, why the heck am I growing sprouts?  Well, besides the fact that I think they're tasty they're also ridiculously good for you.  Once I get the hang of sprouting with alfalfa sprouts, I'm gonna move onto a 5-seed salad blend that Tessa gave me.  I'm so excited! 

I've read a lot about sprouting recently, and it's a great way to get a ton of good nutrients, antioxidants, fiber, etc.  I'm a fan of raw food, and while I'm not quite ready to go all-raw or mostly-raw, it just makes sense to me that foods have more nutrients when they're in their raw form.  Some of course, need to be cooked to release certain enzymes/nutrients, but for the most part raw is better for you.  Less additives, cellular breakdown, etc.

Here's some great places I went for advice:

Handy Pantry

Mumm's Sprouting

The best one = The SproutPeople

I'll keep you updated with the progress of my sprouts.  :)