Music!

 Today while shopping for a Nintendo DS charger to replace the one that Peanut (the lost puppy I rescued recently - but that's another blog) chewed up, I bought some music.  I admit that I am somewhat old-fashioned when it comes to music.  I like buying albums instead of single songs.  If vinyl records were more readily available, I might be obsessed with them.  However, I'm obsessed with the next best thing, CDs.  I have an MP3 player (a Sony Walkman), but I rarely buy music online in MP3 format.  I prefer to buy a CD with the complete album of whatever artist I find myself dancing to at the time.  I then rip the music to my home and work computer and proceed to listen to albums for days at a time before I move on to the next one. 

I love music!  I love live music as my favorite genre - and yes, I consider that a genre.  I don't care what type of music it is - if it's live, I'll listen to it and jam out and have a great time.  But my musical collection of albums tends toward rock, country, and alternative.  I have some pop, some trance/electronic, some heavy metal, some random other stuff as well.  But I LOVE rock.  Anything with a guitar, vocals, drum, and bass - it gets to me.  Keyboard or keytar is an added bonus.  Ha!

I really don't know where I'd be without my Sirius satellite radio.  I used to listen to FM radio back in the day, until I bought my Fusion.  Sirius changed my life.  Now I can browse by time period, by genre, listen to talk radio when I choose to, and hear my football game live.  My favorite Sirius stations are as follows: Alt Nation, Hair Nation, 90s on 9, 80s on 8, Prime Country, BPM, Area, The Pulse, NFL Radio, Margaritaville, and Jam On.  A few of my new albums are from artists I heard on Alt Nation.  For you LA natives, Alt Nation is like KROQ without the annoying talk and with more "indy" musicians.

Also, before I reveal the new additions to my lil music family, I must share that I LOVE to sing.  I'm not the best, but I have a loud, strong voice and I love it.  So, of course I enjoy music that I can sing to.

Ok, here are my new albums:

Playlist: The Very Best of Heart by Heart

Kaleidoscope Heart by Sara Bareilles

2011 Grammy Nominees

Sigh No More by Mumford & Sons

Cage The Elephant

Magikal Journey by Tiesto

 I hope you give a listen, and hopefully you find something that you may not have heard otherwise.

Crunchy part 2

Following up to my "crunchy" post, I really believe that natural supplements and holistic medicine is better for me than Westernized pharmaceuticals alone.  That being said, I talked to my boss (Mike, my older brother-from-another-mother), and he gave me some sage advice.  Mike and I are very similar in personality and habits, and he mentioned that how he deals with depression is to supplement his diet with amino acids.  What?  He likes  5-HTP and GABA, one stimulates seratonin production, and the other helps control the firing of neurons inside of the brain.  Of course I read up on both supplements, and the response was amazing. 

I've now been taking both since Friday, 1/21, and I feel a ton better.  I can go to sleep relaxed, and wake up with energy and focus and drive.  I'm still not 100% but I'd say I'm at least 80%. 

Now, the GABA is kicking in and I'm tired.  Update more in the future, I'm sure...

Trending toward crunchy.

I make myself laugh every time I think about this, but I believe I am turning crunchy.  It's a term loosely used to describe what can be considered an alternative way of living, but to me it's back to the basics and uncommon sense.  Urban Dictionary has a few different definitions of crunchy.

I admit, I am all of the following; a rule-follower, a happy employee of corporate America, a sorority girl, a Ford owner, a New Balance wearer, a purchaser of items located on the end of a grocery store aisle, and a perpetual user of Crest white strips (your smile is your nonverbal hello).

However non-crunchy I think all of that stuff makes me, when it comes to my future children and my food, I am becoming increasingly crunchy.  In regard to food, I believe home-grown, local, organic, and raw food is far more delicious and better for me than genetically modified freaky mutant plants that can keep for years.  I'm obsessed with Whole Foods even though my budget prefers that I stay away from that store.  I look at labels more often for whether or not a food has chemicals in it, rather than the carbohydrate content.  But what I'm the crunchiest about are my ideas about babies/children.  I want a doula to aid in my pregnancy and birth experience.  I want a vaginal birth, preferably without drugs, and I would strongly consider going to a birthing center or even having a home birth or water birth.  I'd love to have the ability to push out a baby and plop him/her right onto my belly for some skin to skin bonding and first feeding right away.  I will breastfeed to the best of my ability and for as long as possible.  I really want to use cloth diapers and I'm sure I'll co-sleep at least for a while.  And that's just for the first few years, I can't even begin to think about what to do past babyhood.  I'm not planning on having my own babies for a while, but I'm surrounded by them and I keep reading about all of these theories and real-life situations and I've decided on what I'd like to do when I am blessed with kids. 

A few disclaimers: I fully support and believe in every woman's right to choose how to birth and feed and raise their own child.  And I will fight for what I believe is right for my family when that time comes.  I also understand that complications arise, and I would never put my own wishes above the health of my child (even though I might push the envelope a bit).

The biggest reason I'm leaning toward being a crunchy mom is because of my own mommy.  I remember her stories about the amazing bond she felt with my sister and I when she breastfed.  I am still in awe that my mom was able to have two vaginal births with a relatively easy labor, and I hope I'm as lucky.  I just know that my body was made for this, that it's perfect in this miraculous process, and that it has what it takes to create and provide for another lil human being. 

Who knows what crunchy idea I'll adopt next...

Progress

It's been a weird week, but I'm making progress in dealing with my depression.

I have an appointment with my primary care physician on 2/7.  We'll see where that takes me.  I also have a call in to a therapist that comes highly recommended, and I plan to set up an appointment with her ASAP.  She's local to Pasadena, reasonably priced, and asks the tough questions.  I look forward to downloading my thoughts and frustrations and ideas to someone who doesn't know my story yet, and getting an outside point of view.

I'm hopeful for what's ahead.  :)

I'm coming up

Or at least I would be if I were a sprout! 

That's right folks, I'm growing sprouts.  Let me preface this post with saying that since I was a little girl, I've loved sprouts.  Mostly alfalfa sprouts that my dad would put on his famous lunchtime sandwiches.  As I've grown older I have learned to love bean sprouts as well, and one time while visiting Loren's mom Tessa, I mentioned how much I love sprouts.  Tessa being the sweet green thumb that she is, gave me a sprouting tray and some seeds to try out for myself. 

Let it be noted now that while I love seeing things grow and enjoy fresh veggies and fruit, I am not the most adept gardener/farmer.  I wouldn't go so far as to say that I have a black thumb, but I'm just not that great at it yet.  I over-water, I under-water, I leave my poor heirloom tomato (singular) to defend itself against blasted tomato worms, and I am just a bad plant-parent.  But I have hope with these sprouts.

Step 1 - Soak Seeds

I decided to try alfalfa for the first batch, to get my feet wet and I soaked them for 6.5 hours.

Step 2 - Put Sprouts on Growing Tray

Ok, my sprout seeds are spread and ready for action.  Action meaning they were covered up and left on my kitchen counter to grow.  I'm supposed to rinse them 2-3 times a day (that's watering, but letting the water drain out), and keep them in a moderately warm place away from direct sunshine.

So I know you're wondering, why the heck am I growing sprouts?  Well, besides the fact that I think they're tasty they're also ridiculously good for you.  Once I get the hang of sprouting with alfalfa sprouts, I'm gonna move onto a 5-seed salad blend that Tessa gave me.  I'm so excited! 

I've read a lot about sprouting recently, and it's a great way to get a ton of good nutrients, antioxidants, fiber, etc.  I'm a fan of raw food, and while I'm not quite ready to go all-raw or mostly-raw, it just makes sense to me that foods have more nutrients when they're in their raw form.  Some of course, need to be cooked to release certain enzymes/nutrients, but for the most part raw is better for you.  Less additives, cellular breakdown, etc.

Here's some great places I went for advice:

Handy Pantry

Mumm's Sprouting

The best one = The SproutPeople

I'll keep you updated with the progress of my sprouts.  :)

Hanging on like that cat on a screen door

Some days, I feel like I'm barely hanging on.  Yeah, I know, life for me could be a LOOOOOOTTTTTT worse.  So I remember how grateful I am for what I have.  However...

I am depressed.  I know I am, I've struggled with this for 13 years now, ever since my freshmen year of college.  I go through these cycles every now and then and I am a stubborn bitch and so therefore I pull out of it.  Eventually.  Most times when I'm depressed all I want to do is sleep and ignore the world and forget about everything and all of my responsibilities and loved ones and I become a hermit.  Lately, I still have the urge to sleep non-stop, but I'm continuing to go to work, do my job, be with friends, go out on the weekends, attend parties and social events, etc.  That's usually what pulls me out of it - persistence.  But today, as I sit here in my lovely apartment knowing that I am loved by God, by my family, my best friends, my adorable man-friend, my sorority sisters, my work team, my acquaintances even, I am still in a funk.  A big funk.

To be clear - never ever ever in my life have I ever felt that death was a viable option to life.  Suffering in any sense means that one is alive, and to be alive is a great blessing.

But I am still depressed.  For probably two and a half months I have been avoiding coming to terms with what's going on in my mind.  I've done everything I normally do to overcome these feelings, yet nothing has changed.  I have thought time and again about making an appointment with my doctor, but I feel like a fraud, like all I ever make appointments with my doctor for is the flu, or a pap smear, or tonsillitis, and now depression.  I see my doctor mayyyyyyybe twice a year, and that's a good thing!  But I just can't bring myself to pick up the phone and tell her I think I need help...  I know some of my best friends have gone to their doctors and found help with their depression, I am not opposed to therapy (and if you know a good psychologist in the Pasadena area, let me know), and I can confide in my best friends, my lovebug, and my sister.  And yet I'm still in this place.

As I type this, I feel silly.  I also have tears falling down my cheeks, collecting under my chin like a melted icicle.  It's time.

I'm committed to calling my doctor tomorrow, and I will pull out of depression yet again.  It's strange that I can type about this to a blog, and find some resolution to this whirlwind of emotions and feelings, but it's a good thing.  Life is mysterious, if anything, and I'm grateful for that.

Digital impatience

I have to confess, I have two emails in my inbox right now that I'm ignoring.  I received them yesterday and I know they're from people I love, but I just have not read them yet.  Part of me feels incredibly guilty, like I'm going to some version of email hell for not responding right away.  But most of me is sick of digital impatience.

What do I mean by digital impatience?  I'm referring to that expectation of an immediate response to any sort of phone call, text, email, Facebook post, etc.  Now I believe in responding in an appropriate amount of time, but shouldn't it be MY choice when to respond, rather than be subjected to this instant gratification culture that our digital age has created? 

I know time and technology have changed, and most of the time I believe it's for the better.  But sometimes I'd like the first right of refusal to not answer back right away.  Maybe I need time to think about how I want to phrase my response.  Or maybe I just need to coordinate my calendar.  It's not personal, I just am not ready to respond yet.

When I go on vacation, I put away my watch (unless it's time to catch a plane), I put away my cell phone as much as possible, and I leave my laptop at home.  Maybe I should unplug more often, although I apologize for my digital lateness right now...

Cowboy boots and frilly dresses

That's what this girl is made of.  Today I wore this adorable paisley dress to work with my cowboy boots.  The dress is a bandeau-style halter top, tea length with a frilly ruffle at the bottom.  I love it!  I got it on clearance at Lane Bryant for $20 and I couldn't be happier with it.  It's purple and pink and green and a lil white and black.  I wore it on Saturday night to (Stephanie's husband) Craig's 30th birthday celebration.  But on Saturday I wore it with some cute black strappy shoes, when really I felt like it belonged with my favorite shoes in the whole world - my cowboy boots. 

Today when I put on that pretty dress and my trusty boots, I felt complete.  I've finally embraced (after many years of fighting it) my natural femininity, my womanly grace, my girlyness.  But boy, if these boots could talk...  I can walk 500 miles in my boots, and I probably have.

I like to keep things around me that I trust completely.  My sister, my Boochies, my adorable manfriend, my purple Maglite, and my cowboy boots.  My boots were made for walking, but they were also made for dancing, strutting, stomping, twirling, and even napping. 

This year I'm going to use my Christmas money to buy a new pair of Ariats, black, pointy-toed, and amazingly comfortable.  But I know they will never compare to my current boots.

My glass is half full no matter how many times I spill...

Over the past few days I've come up with a bunch of blog topics, all of them rants about how irritating and inconsiderate our fellow human beings are.  Bad drivers who fail to signal or let me merge, rude restaurant patrons who treat servers like poo, abusive jerkface men who I'm forced to work with, etc.  But then I keep thinking to myself, "What kind of vibe do I want to put out there?"  I stopped watching the news on TV about two years ago because I was so tired of all of the negative stories, the violence and hurt and bad things of the world.  I don't deny they're out there, but I'd rather feed my mind with positivity and happiness. 

I want this blog to be a positive place, instead of an irritated rant.  I plan on sharing stories, memories, experiences, and photos.  Life isn't all happy all of the time but if I can at least focus on the good stuff, all of the negativity and horror will seem more bearable.

So today, I am grateful for my life, all of the complications and joy and challenges and love.  I can't wait to share it all with you.

The Boochies

boochie

noun \ˈbü-chē\

Definition of BOOCHIE

1 : one attached to another by affection or esteem

2 : one that is of the same nation, party, or group

3 : one that is considered to be a very best friend forever

4 : a favored companion  

Abbreviation: booch

Examples of BOOCHIE

1. What's up, boochie?
2. She's no boochie of mine.
3. I'm going out with the boochies.

Origin of BOOCHIE

Modern English boochie, from a combination of slang terms, derived by a former member in an attempt to coin an appropriate nickname.

First Known Use: 1995

Related to BOOCHIE

Synonyms: friend, alter ego, amigo, buddy, chum, compadre, comrade, confidant, confidante, crony, familiar, intimate, mate [chiefly British or Australian], musketeer, pal

Antonyms: enemy, foe

Related Words: acquaintance; associate, cohort, colleague, companion, fellow, hearty, hobnobber, partner, peer, sport; blood brother, brother, main man, sister; abettor (also abetter), accomplice, ally, collaborator, confederate; pen pal; benefactor, supporter, sympathizer, well-wisher; friendly

Near Antonyms: adversary, antagonist, competitor, opponent, rival; archenemy, nemesis

Rhymes with BOOCHIE

Chatahoochie, snoochie

 

History of BOOCHIE

 

So who exactly ARE the Boochies?  We are a group of girls, the best of friends through thick and thin.  Current members include me, Stephanie, Tiffany, Jamie, and Jennifer.  Our group first came together in high school, at dear ole Bonita High School in La Verne.  There were a few other members back then who have gone their own way in life, which happens.  Tiffany and Stephanie became BFFs at Ramona Middle School, Jamie knew S&T, and I knew Jamie.  We all finally came together freshmen year of high school and bonded in the way that only raging hormones and late 90s clothing can bring people together.  Jennifer went to the dreaded cross-town rival San Dimas High School, and went to church with Tiffany.  She started coming around some time in our early twenties, and fit right in.  Jennifer was easily assimilated, and it felt like she was a part of the group ever since the beginning (even though she still has no idea who we're talking about when we reminisce/gossip about high school people, sorry Jen!). 

 

It's amazing that girls can be such good friends for so many years and still love each other.  Each of us brings something amazing and special to the table, and together we can accomplish anything.  My Boochies have been there for me in the hardest times of life, stuck with me even when I was being a complete asshole, and lifted me up with laughter and love.  I can truly be myself around these women, the raw, unbridled, completely dorky Kelly.  We've had our trials through the years, and we haven't all got along all of the time.  But somehow we persevere and come out friends in the end.  There have been gals who come and go and are a part of our group for a reason or a season, and ultimately we all are better for it.  We're not an exclusive group, but we have our own slang and our history is so intertwined that it can seem impossible to get in.

 

Recently we celebrated the holidays together, up at my family's cabin in Lake Arrowhead.  I have this picture up right above my desk at work and when I'm having a super craptastic day, these beautiful, amazing ladies help get me through.

 

Stephanie, Jamie, Kelly, Tiffany, Jennifer - The Boochies

 

 

Babies!

I've reached that point in my life.  You know, when everyone around me is having babies, trying for babies, raising babies, or getting married with the hope of having babies soon.  I love it!  It also makes me incredibly nervous.

Ever since I was a kid, I had a life plan.  Graduate high school, go to college, graduate college, start a career, THEN find a man and have babies.  Plural.  BabieS.  I knew I wouldn't get married before I was 28 (not sure why I had that number pinpointed), and that was okay with me.  As the years rolled by and I entered my late twenties, I was perpetually single.  I've always been comfortable on my own, a little lonely at times, but content to live life for myself and not worry about whether or not I had a man in my life.  Two years ago I was rocking my single life; climbing the corporate ladder with success, flitting around to concerts and parties and bars like a social butterfly, hanging out with friends and making time for my family.  I also had resigned myself to the fact that I probably wouldn't get married.  Yes, I had reached that point.  And in accordance with the popular saying, I met the man of my dreams exactly when I wasn't looking for any sort of man to date, just after New Year's Eve in 2009. 

Falling in love is wonderful... I felt beautiful, safe, overjoyed, twitterpated, and freaked out!  Gone was my security of knowing what was in store for my life.  Since I had a great man, what would happen with us down the road?  And just like any typical woman, I over-analyzed everything right from the beginning.  I started to paint a picture in my mind of marriage and family and living with a man other than my father.  Could I really see myself with this handsome, smart stranger for the rest of my life?  Was that even possible?  And then what about babies??  One night early in our relationship I asked Loren how many kids he wanted.  "Oh, I dunno, three or four I think," is what he responded.  THREE OR FOUR?!?!?  All of a sudden my daydreams of a big family were feasible.  I almost packed up my bags and ran the other way.

Then my mom got a new job.  She has been teaching elementary school for 13 years (I think), and is an amazing teacher.  My mom has always encouraged me to wait until I find a good man, to get married and have time together as a couple before popping out kids, and most importantly - to do this after going to school and building a career and a life of my own.  I took her advice to heart.  Then my mom gets a new job as an "intervention specialist," working with children who are at-risk, have learning disabilities, or special needs.  All of a sudden my mom is telling me, "You had better have kids before you're 35!"  What?!?!?  Why?!?!?  "I see the children of older mothers, and they are much more prone to needing an intervention specialist," she said.  Posting a comment about this on Facebook, I got many comments from mothers, mothers-to-be, doulas, etc. about how 35 really is the magic cutoff to having an easy pregnancy, and less complications or potential issues with the baby. 

So now, I'm nervous.  I'm thirty years old (thirty years, four months, and twelve days to be exact), I'm in love with an amazing man, and I have to have babies in the next few years.  Well, I don't have to, but it's highly recommended by pretty much everyone around me.  The only problem is, I have no idea when I'm going to get married, let alone have kids. 

I joke sometimes that I'd get married tomorrow if Loren asked me to, but even that freaks me out a little bit and I'm not sure why.  I know that I will be a dedicated, loving wife, and I know I will be a creative, caring, great mother to whatever child God blesses me with - special needs or not.  I know in my heart of hearts that I could love any child, no matter what.  So why am I freaking out?  Why do I see pregnant sorority sisters and pregnant friends and new babies and then all of a sudden feel like an anvil is pressing down on my chest because I'm not there yet?

So where does this leave me?  I'm still madly in love with Loren, and I really would marry him tomorrow, but I'm also happy waiting a while.  I want children, but if that chapter of my life doesn't begin for a few years, that's ok.  I am going to stop viewing that big number 35 as a cliff that my eggs will eventually fall off of, and I'm going to view it as the halfway point of a decade of my life that is sure to be exciting and full of joy.  I can't wait to throw my best friend a baby shower, I look forward to editing many pictures of the babies and children all around me, and one day - whenever that might be - I'll be happy to rock my own babies to sleep.

Testing mobile blogging.

Blog it up!

Well it's 2011 and I'm supposed to be working, but I've decided to start a blog.  Now this is not my first blog that I've created, it's just a new blog.  I've blogged on some website that I can't even remember the name of, I've blogged on MySpace, Facebook, my own web page (I also can't remember that website), and I've even tried that pen and paper diary thing a few times.  So why start blogging again?  Two beautiful, smart women I know have inspired me, that's why.  One has been blogging for a while, sharing her thoughts on life.  She's my sorority sister, she's my friend, she's an amazing woman, and you can find her blog here: Shiny Things Distract Me.  The other gal I met through an ex-boyfriend years ago, and we have stayed in touch since.  She's an amazing mother of two adorable girls, she's passionate about a multitude of topics, and she also happens to be in a sorority.  She's set a goal for herself to blog every day in 2011, and you can find her here: Wiskipedia365.  I love reading about what's going on in their lives, so I figured it'd be fun to start a blog of my own for the 239847203975th time.  Warning - I overuse commas, parentheses, and exclamation points.  Poor spelling and grammar are pet peeves of mine but I do not expect perfection of myself so I'm just going to type from the heart and let it be what it is.  I'm not sure exactly what or when I'll post, but hopefully it will be often enough to release some of these thoughts from my brain but not be just another chore.  Let's see where this takes us!